Cosmic explosion! (6 of 14)

Sadie is just about to tell Turd about the nugget of information she received from Henry the Historian when the unimaginable happens.

Cosmic explosion!

Aliens are on the scene.  Though Man is terrified and runs off, Sadie keeps her cool and begins to wash the alien vehicle closest to her.  Anything to support HERD.

Sadie gets a clue. (5 of 14)

While Liza is rinsing down Jordan, Amanda (derby name: A Man Duh) and Sadie (derby name: Sadie Stick) watch as Henry drives his old-timey-time car up to the car wash.  Henry is the sole employee of Heartland Estate's Historical Society and works part time as a real estate agent.  He's also a War of the Roses re-enactor and is on his way to battle on behalf of Lancaster.

Sadie listens as Henry blathers on about a wonderful Tudor that boasts an indoor red-and-white rose garden.  She's so bored by the description of the spacious eat-in-kitchen that she almost misses when Henry mentions that he had removed a bit of cloth from the privet surrounding the property: blue fabric with white stars.  Identical fabric to the shorts Slammer always wears to practice!

Success! (4 of 14)

The car wash is a success!  Well, at least as far as fundraising is concerned.  Women (young and old!) are over-sexualizing themselves by wearing short skirts and frolicking about slathered in soapy car wash water and self loathing.  The money is flowing in as fast as the water from the huge car wash hose.

Liza washes Jordan Shaw's back end.  Mr. Shaw is Heartland High's history teacher and Heartland's most eligible bachelor.  In terms of finesse, his tennis serve is second only to his sweet talking.  Sadly, Mr. Shaw has no information regarding the whereabouts of Slammer.

Car wash! (3 of 14)

Turd is a fast-moving, business-minded, no-nonsense go-getter.  She is able to organize the HERD Car Wash by the very next weekend.  She rises early on Saturday and drives herself to the site of the car wash: a dead-end strip of road that is owned by Heartland Church.  Turd brings a bucket, finds an outside water source, and dispenses water bottle washers to her league-mates.

Good clean fun. (2 of 14)

Turd is too stressed to get any work done.  She leaves her desk and grabs a cup of coffee in the break room.  Turd knows that there is no way the City Police are going to care or investigate the disappearance of a derby girl who lives on the wrong side of the border between City and Heartland Estates.  God, everyone knows how corrupt the City Police are.  And because Slammer doesn't live in Heartland Estates, the HEPD will not be of any help.

And then it dawns on Turd.  A car wash!  Not only are car washes great derby fundraisers, but they're also fantastic for recon missions.  The entire population of Heartland Estates will totally come to a car wash if they can gawk at scantily clad bad ass derby broads.  And where there is ogling, there's information to be gleaned!

Missing. (1 of 14)

By day, Jen works as a data analyst at City Life and Annuity.  By night (and weekends), she is the president of her local roller derby league (derby name: Go Turd), Heartlake Estates Roller Derby (HERD).  She feels strange. Something is nagging at her, but she can't quite place what it is.

Then she remembers.  She hasn't heard from her good friend Sylvie (derby name: Shebrew Slammer) in days.  She's used to chatting with Slammer online during particularly slow work days.  Where has she been?  It's just not like Slammer to miss practice for a week without saying anything.

Turd thinks back and tries to remember when last she saw Slammer.  She can't remember.  And she can't think of what to do.

The. End. (7 of 7)

Cole is really tired.  It's tough living life as singing telegram guy.  Worse than that, he can't even afford a car so he's gotta roller skate home at some absurd hour every bloody night.  Grrrr, he thinks to himself.  The next time I have to don a damned bunny head and sing lyrics as awful as "my bunny bunny wuv was sent from up above," I'm seriously going to punch my boss in the--!

A motorcycle roars by.  Some dude with a satchel of cash.  Ugh.  Some guys have all the luck!

Screeeeeeeeech!

Another one nearly runs him over.

Fuck my life, Cole thinks.  Just... Fuck it.

The end? (6 of 7)

Ah, the satisfaction of a job well done.  Brad, Steph, Hank and Frank ride off into the sunset.

The End.

Oh, crap.  Not the end.  Close to the end.  Whoops!  It's really, like, the penultimate scene.  Not actually the ultimate scene.  So y'all are gonna have to wait around for a few more seconds.  Sorry.  (Naw.  I'm not really sorry.)

Regular old action. (5 of 7)

While Brad and Steph distract down below, Hank and Frank merely act up above.  One shinnies up the drain pipe while the other breaks into the bank through the skylight.  Oh, banks.  They're so awesome to rob because that's where all the money is!

(Distr)Action! (4 of 7)

Brad and Steph spring into action!  Steph grabs a sword, Brad an ax-looking thing (sadly, Brad's brain has gone soft and he can't remember the name of the weapon, though he's certain it is NOT a sword) and a sickle.  They race into the lobby of the bank, creating a distraction.  People are distracted!  There is so much distraction!  Success! Brad and Steph make silly noises and practice stage combat.  It distracts all the employees!  It distracts all the patrons!  People cheer and applaud wildly at the show.  Brad and Steph are so happy that there will be no police chase, and no burning cars.  Their successful distracting has given them the best escape route ever!  (BOO!  Distraction!)

It's pretty great.

Foiled again? (3 of 7)

Ever the faithful wife, Steph agrees to be a part of Reggie's operation.  After all, Reggie hasn't really left her much choice.  "It's your choice," she recalls Reggie telling her.  "You may choose to be a part of my operation, or you may choose for me to behead you in the City Square with my guillotine."  And then the worst part: "Headless women don't get to eat cake!"  (Clearly, Reggie had overheard Steph and Brad's newlywed cooing--their entire relationship was based upon the fact that each preferred cake to pie in terms of post-prandial confections.)

But a guillotine?  And speaking of odd weapons...

Brad has brought a bucket of swords with him: foils and broadswords and a sickle (which isn't a sword, but who doesn't keep sickles on hand?).  An odd choice of weapons.  Was the plan to be foiled by a severe lack of firepower?  Ah, but Brad had had no choice.  Two weeks prior, tragedy had occurred when an escaped mental patient absconded with the mental hospital's entire artillery.  (Why keep an artillery at a mental hospital?  Patient management.)  Within 48 hours of his escape, 50 people were dead when he blew up a Post Office.  Since then, nary a citizen of Lego City could obtain a firearm.)

Brad and Steph pull up to the City Bank.  They have no other choice but to make do with the weapons they have.  They pray it will be enough.

The plan. (2 of 7)

Reggie sees Brad and Steph approaching and is happy to have another player.  In his experience, husband-and-wife couples work best: The intensity of the relationship keeps the criminal enterprise going, and the taboo nature of the criminal enterprise turns the spark of a recent marriage into a blazing fire of passion.  The married couples rarely rat each other out, and even when that happens, one usually kills the other before the authorities ever catch Reggie's scent.

After Reggie ushers Brad and Steph inside, he confers with Hank, who is acting as point for this operation.  Ah, a good old-fashioned bank robbery.  Nothing makes Reggie happier and more content than going back to the basics of crime.  Hank and Frank will break into the safe upstairs while Brad and Steph create a scene in the front lobby.  A deceivingly simple plan.

A new beginning. (1 of 7)

Ringing in the New Year and a new beginning, Brad and Steph's wedding bells tolled at midnight on January 1, 2013.  Though they knew their lives would never be the same, they had no idea what horrors lay in wait for them just around the corner.  And all because Brad had forgotten to pay Reggie's loan sharks.

Three weeks after their wedding, Brad was asked--nay, ordered!--to arrive at Reggie's crack house.  "Bring weapons," Reggie told him.

"How will I know it's the right house?" Brad asked.

"You'll see Hester, my bottom bitch and watchdog out on the stoop," said Reggie.  As Brad took a breath to ask that Reggie leave him more time to repay his debt, Reggie hung up and Brad was left with little more than the echo of the dial tone.

  Though Brad begged her not to, Steph insisted upon chauffeuring Brad to his meeting with Reggie.  

[Ed note, A "dial tone," dear readers, is the sound one heard through a telephone line, alerting the caller that the line was active.  This was before cell phones, when land lines were more than objects that existed in old wives' tales.]