Dick in a bucket. (10 of 10)

Peter watches the events unfold.  He is horrified.  Though pleased that the body-parts drop was accomplished, he is thoroughly miffed and disenchanted at the fact that Tony is on his way back to prison.  Will the authorities find the parts?  It seems the Forest Police Officer died before he was able to dig up the dismembered Shebrew Slammer, and he's fairly certain that Sheila arrived on the scene too late to see what had happened before Tony brutally beat her partner to death.

Peter wracks his brains trying to think of what to do next, but finds himself oddly distracted.  Why, the slain officer is still lying of the forest floor.  And he has the best bone of all!

After rifling through his truck (that was abandoned by Tony and by the police), Peter finds a rusty old knife and a small bucket.  With these tools, he seizes the best bone he has yet to find.

And with that, he leaves the woods with the officer's dick in a bucket.

Capture. (9 of 10)

Tony rejoices.  He is David, having thwarted the mighty Goliath of the law, and no one has even seen his criminal acts!

Tragically, Tony rejoices too soon.

He forgets that officers travel with partners, so he doesn't even notice when Sheila comes to the aid of her fallen comrade.  Though it is too late to save her partner, it is not to late to bring justice upon Tony.  Weak and worn out from the energy he expended killing the officer, he has no fight left in him, and so surrenders quite easily to Sheila.

Who's the boss? (8 of 10)

So frustrated by his poor luck, poor timing and poor life choices, a slow burning starts to grow in the pit of Tony's stomach.  His regret catches fire and turns to rage.  His adrenaline races, and his gains superhuman strength.  Rather than run, he turns around and throws himself on top of the Forest Police Officer.  Tony grabs the officer's hat and gags the officer with it.  The officer cannot take in any air as Tony lands blow  upon blow on the officer's kidneys.

Finally, the officer breathes no more.  Tony throws the officer's hat aside and does a victory dance on the officer's chest.  He's shown, once and for all, that he is The Boss.

Cut to the chase. (7 of 10)

Oh, Peter.  He should have known better, but he's not the type to follow his instincts.  In fact, Peter's not really the type to HAVE instincts.  He should have remembered why Tony "The Boss" was in prison in the first place.  Turns out that The Boss has never EVER been able to pull of a crime without getting caught.  The truth is, Tony's only been back on the street for all of two days.

Tony makes it all the way into the woods and makes the drop.  Only, he foolishly forgets that the specific part of the woods he chose to dump the body parts is a mere mile from the Forest Police Station.  A Forest Police Officer whose job is to watch for bears at all times has seen Tony though his binoculars.  He finds Tony's location and gives chase.

Into the woods. (6 of 10)

Not wanting to draw any attention to himself, Peter figures he'll need someone else to do his dirty work.  How hard can it be to get rid of derby girl meat?  Surely, his old cellmate would know.  Since his former cellie, Tony "The Boss", owes him a few favors from the good ol' days, Peter calls him up.

Peter lets Tony use his beater of a car to drive into the woods to dispose of the body pierces.  Though he should know better (after all, Peter never has the best of luck, what with his broken leg and his inability to remember to release his emergency brake when driving), he decides to follow Tony from afar.

Hot sauce for a hot broad. (5 of 10)

Peter races home with the fruits of his labor.  He hoists the basket of bones up to his fourth-floor walk up that's located on the wrong side of the tracks in The City.  He barely says hello to the drunk who lives on his stoop or to the local prostitutes, who he generally commiserates with.  Instead, he sets up in his kitchen.

After some consideration, Peter realizes that it's really the derby girl bones he wants, and not the meat.  So he puts the meat aside; he'll figure out a way to dispose of it later.  A little of this, a bit of that, a pinch of another, and a good sprinkling of his own special seasoning and voila! Peter is ready to eat his meal.  It is the best yet!  Peter realizes that much like everything else, derby girl goes really well with sriracha.

Shebrew Slammer: NOM NOM NOM. (4 of 10)

Peter lets his eyes move from derby girl to derby girl--target to target--deciding which one he shall bring home for dinner.  His eyes settle on one shorter lady who is eating a protein snack of pork rinds and popcorn shrimp.  She is wearing panties in the style of Wonder Woman, and a black shirt with "Shebrew Slammer" written across the back.

"Yes!" Peter says to himself.  "A girl who eats pork is definitely Kosher in my book!"

He keeps an eye on Shebrew Slammer.  Practice is nearly over.  When it is, he watches the girls as they take off their derby gear.  He slinks through the shadows in order to follow Shebrew to her car.  Lucky for Peter, the Slammer has parked off to the side of the lot, alone.  He takes this opportunity to pounce.

With a basket of derby girl parts in tow, which he puts in the trunk of his car (which wasn't broken after all--Peter had just forgotten to release the emergency brake), Peter drives home drooling.  Though he's only ever eaten bones before, he doesn't want to let this delicious meat go to waste.

Swiss bones. (3 of 10)

Peter is on the search for succulent bones: the kinds that well-marbled human meat has come off of.  The type of bones that are the perkiest and most flavorful.  He drives into the night.  Unfortunately, his bad luck follows him and his car breaks down in front of a large building with a pink neon light that blinks: "Laces."  Next to it is a sign with a logo for something called "Swiss Bones."

"Laces?" he asks himself.  "What sort of a place is Laces?  And Swiss Bones?  Clearly, this must be the best place in the area to find bones!  And maybe even someone can jump-start my car."

He walks into Laces and finds himself transported back to 1983.  Full of neon and disco balls, Laces is a roller skating rink.  On the floor are some scantily women in roller skates.  He sees one skating by herself, with a star on her helmet.  Ah-ha!  It's a local roller derby league and  tonight is their practice night.

Peter takes it in.  All those girls.  All those lean muscles and flavorful fat that will stew it its own juices!  He can hardly contain himself!

Hungry for bones. (2 of 10)

After his broken leg healed, Peter developed a taste for, well, bones.  He asked Marie, Queen of the Undead Mafia, where he could fine some old bodies.  She was more than happy to provide the requisite information to Peter, who proceeded to dig up centuries-old bones.  Peter has since developed not only a discriminating palate for bones, but has discovered his own latent creativity: Peter is a fantastically intuitive chef.  He develops deliciously rich recipes for his bones, such as the succulent baked le coq d'or.

Succulent as his recipes are, they lack a certain je ne se qua.  What is missing?  Peter ponders and realizes that the old bones are neither fresh nor plentiful--neither the quality nor quantity is enough to satisfy him.  He finds himself inside his head, unable to do anything else but dream of bones all day.  He hungers for bones.  Like an infant at his mother's breast, Peter simply cannot be teared away from bone eating.  But where to find the best, the freshest, the most well-structured and delectable bones to sate his hunger?

The Meaty Peter. (1 of 10)

Our friend the pugilist, The Meaty Peter, though faithful, has never been the sharpest knife in the drawer.  Last anyone heard, Reggie had sent him into the forest with an empty bucket.  Peter's task was to break into the Forest Police Station's secret tree bunker and retrieve bricks of gold.  Why do the Forest Police officers hide bricks of gold in secret tree bunkers?  To keep the bears from eating people.  Everyone knows that gold is far more tasty than people!

Everyone, that is, except Peter.

Sadly, Peter fails as his mission.  He trips over his feet and ends up with a broken leg.

Some nights. (5 of 5)

There are some nights that just never turn out well.  Michelle knows this now more than ever.

Having spent the past year madly in love with the man of her dreams, only to have those dreams dashed within a few hours, Michelle is emotionally spent.  Not knowing where to turn, she takes Chuck Junior to her sister Mia's.  Knowing never to kill the messenger, Michelle does not fault Mia for being the bearer of bad news.  And so she pours her heart out to Mia, crying and lamenting.  How will she be able to care for Chuck Junior?  What will become of them?

Mia loves Michelle and Chuck Junior very much.  She vows to take care of and protect them for as long as she is able.  Michelle thinks about her sister and the con that she calls love.  She looks into her nephew's eyes and she can't believe the most amazing things that can come from some terrible lies.

What is love? (4 of 5)

Having heard the horrible news of her Chuck's past extracurricular activities, Michelle is destroyed.  She is boiling with rage and a sense of retribution that only a scorned woman could every truly understand.  Though she goes home from Just Desserts with her mind set on confronting Reggie, she is suddenly afraid.  Who is this man she called the love of her life?  She hardly knows him!  Is he dangerous?  What is love? she asks herself.  And then she sends a silent plea to Chuck.  "Baby, don't hurt me."

Oddly enough, Chuck has chosen the same night to surprise Michelle with a romantic ride on horseback through the country side.  He takes pleasure in the azure skies while Michele holds onto her horse's forelock, nearly crashing into it.

She finally tells Chuck.  Chuck considers changing his ways, but cannot.  Off in the distance he can see Reggie's Underlord, Marie, Queen of the Undead Mafia, sitting by her Horse With No Name, and gazing at him.  Her gaze is meant to remind Chuck that Reggie's Ring is much like the famous Hotel California: you can check out any time you like but you can never leave.

Milkshakes and shakedowns. (3 of 5)

Once he is able to leave the house, Michelle takes Charles Junior to meet his Aunt Mia.  Though Mia has always been aware of Chuck's relationship to Reggie's Ring, she has never thought it her place to tell her sister.

The twins meet at Just Desserts, the local cupcakery.  While Michelle chats and eats her Chocolate Tort cupcake, Mia notices that Chuck's parole officer happens to be downing a Pep O Mint Paddy Wagon milkshake at Just Desserts.

Chuck's PO suspects that Chuck has never told his lovely Michelle that he is a former con, so he decides to see if he can make a quick buck.  He attempts to shake down Mia: If she pays him off, he'll keep his mouth shut about Chuck and Michelle will be none the wiser.

Mia's well off and even though she participates in criminal mischief on a daily basis, she has her principles!  Rather than pay off Chuck's PO, Mia tells her twin of Chuck's wretched ways.  Michelle is devastated--not by love, this time, but by truth.

Terrible lies. (2 of 5)

Even during his wildest days of bank robberies, Chuck has always been an old-school con.  He strongly prefers going au natural than confining himself, his movements, and his physical sensations by a bullet-proof vest. So Michelle should not have been surprised when Chuck refused to wear a condom.

A mere nine-and-a-half months after their whirlwind romance has begun, Michelle finds herself the proud mother of Chuck Junior.  She and Chuck beam at Junior as the nurse administers the first series of vaccinations.

Even though they share a child, Chuck has not yet shared his past (or his present) with Michelle.  In fact, as far as Michelle knows, Chuck has a very well-paying job as a fork lift operator.  Chuck continues to feed Michele these terrible lies.

[Ed note, Here's a gem I often give people: If you're going to insist upon robbing a bank, DO NOT have neck tattoos.  This is sound legal advice.  You know it's sound because Chuck followed it.  There's nary a neck tattoo on him.]

Sleeping with the enemy? (1 of 5)

Mia (who you may remember as the lounge singer at the Den of Iniquity) has introduced her twin sister, Michelle, to Chuck.  Michelle has fallen deeply and devastatingly in love with Chuck--she feels safe and content as she lies in bed at night, his arms wrapped her.

Sadly, Michelle does not know that Chuck is one of Reggie's men.  Michelle is also ignorant to the fact that Chuck is still on parole from his last stint upstate and has a parole officer who lurks behind every corner, just waiting for him to make a mistake.

[Ed note, Yesterday, a friend asked me why Michelle had fallen "deeply and devastatingly" in love with Chuck.  As opposed to, say, merely "deeply in love," with Chuck.

"Isn't all love devastating?" I replied.]

I want my mummy.

Marie is more than a simple criminal underlord.  She was killed nearly a century ago during a wild spree murder.  She wasn't simply murdered; she was dismembered by her husband and fellow jewel heister.

Because of a curse placed upon her by her dearly departed heinous-crime-committing husband, Marie shall live forever as a member of the Undead.  Having garnered herself amazing credentials during her living life, she has been elected Queen of the Undead Mafia in her after-life.  Thus, Reggie's Underlord.

Lucky for Reggie, Marie has many compatriots who are more than happy to help her out.  And that is how her secret treehouse came to be guarded by another member of the Undead: Mac the (Ninja) Mummy.

The family jewels.

Reggie's conspiracy goes way behind a few crooked cops and petty human trafficking. Indeed, Reggie doesn't have small cells like your regular, run-of-the-mill RICO conspiracy.  Rather, he is the hub a large ring of conspiracy, each spoke intersecting other spokes.  Layers and layers of spokes.

Like Marie.  Ever sweet and innocent looking, she works as Reggie's underlord.  In her forest tree house, she keeps a secret pile of jewels, no doubt the profits of burglars and thugs--entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.

The cat?  He's a ruse.  The cat is really a mule.

In the corner lies a boxer.

Instead of having traditional insurance policies for his workers, Reggie has negotiated an in-kind trade with a local veterinarian, Dr. Vik.  When his men get roughed up during their criminal hi-jinx  Dr. Vik fixes them up.  In exchange, Reggie pays not only for her overhead, but also donates about $10 million dollars per year to PETA.  Reggie is  ever a philanthropist.

The Meaty Peter, a former pugilist, has gotten himself into a fix again while busting into a secret tree bunker next to the Forest Police Station.  Rather than finding gold, he finds himself with a broken leg.  Dr. Vik is taking x-rays.

Den of Iniquity.

Because Jem's show as been canceled for reasons unknown, her followers, having nothing to do, have fled to the Den of Iniquity, a local lounge.

Mia is filling in on stage for Andrea.  Mia knows that the reason Andrea can't make her scheduled performance is because Andrea is secretly working with Reggie's Sex Ring.  Andrea's job is to lure young starry-eyed starlets off the bus at City Station and into a life of crack cocaine addiction and prostitution.

Mia has brought Officer Jones (one of Reggie's paid-for City Policemen) with her to perform a reconnaissance mission. He can't help but enjoy Mia's dulcet tones as she is accompanied by Beary White on the piano.

Outrageous.

Jem has come to town to play a sold-out show as she and her Holograms take the stage with The Misfits for the first time ever.  Unfortunately, Reggie has other plans for her.

He lures her into his colorful basement bedroom (which he keeps for all his so-called Friends) with a subpoena claiming that she has caused him intentional infliction of emotional distress (IIED).

"Your conduct at concerts has caused me damages," he explains to Jem.  "After all, it has 'exceeded all bounds usually tolerated by decent society' and has led me to exclaim 'Outrageous!'"

"Hogwash!" Jem retorts.

Enraged as having been likened to porcine bathwater, Reggie goes berserk and takes a crowbar to Jem's head.  After all, her conduct has been so clearly outrageous as to warrant such brutal force.

The grammar police.

It is no surprise that Reggie has more than just a few cops in his back pocket.  In exchange for cash and the occasional jewels, Reggie's City Police Officers have no problems doing his bidding.

Outside of City Bank, Cindy is innocently using the ATM.  However, when Officer Leaming overhears her using the redundant phrase "ATM machine," he is sent into fits of spavins and heaves.

So bad are these fits, that Officer Leaming decides to grab Cindy and force her into Reggie's sex trafficking ring.  He absconds with Cindy, the poor innocent bystander who is guilty of nothing more than owning a disproportionately large debit card and demonstrating imprecise language skills.

Humble beginnings. Or: Reggie's Rules.

I work a Serious Job as a criminal defense attorney.  My days are filled driving across the state visiting my clients in various prisons, negotiating with opposing counsel, filing motions and memoranda, and attempting to teach criminal law and the rules of evidence to judges.

By night (and weekends), I am a glitter-legged, roller-skate-wearing zebra who chases jammers and blockers in a circle while sending them to the box for various roller derby penalties.  In other words: I am a roller derby referee with my local league.  My name is Fury Selection.

I exist at the intersection of obduracy and whimsy.  I enjoy dancing upon the tightrope between the improbable and the patently absurd.  Thus, it came as no surprise that when a former colleague of mine caught Reggie's case, he came to me with Reggie's Rules.

Reggie's Rules (as photographed above) were taken during a raid of a crack house.  The document was the subject of litigation: The State insisted that dumb-and-down-on-his-luck 19-year-old Reggie was the Crack House Kingpin.  Clearly, his Rules demonstrated that he exercised complete dominion and control over the premises, and was therefore leading a Huge Conspiracy.  Drug Lord Reggie had crafted and drafted his rules as a symbolic gesture as if to say to his minions: Bow before me!  I am King!

In the end, Reggie was convicted and sentenced to serve seven years in the state prison.  And his rules have lived on, delighting both my friends and the nameless, faceless criminal defense attorneys who have happened upon them during random Google searches.

Now, Reggie's Rules and Reggie's Ring of Conspirators, Henchmen, and The Undead, live on in tableaux made of LEGO.

I started these as a joke, really.  They don't follow any certain story line.  They're just little pictures in time, depicting whatever happens to be going on with Reggie's Ring.  Soon, though, an overarching plot shall emerge.  Stay tuned.