Sexual assault, sexual harassment, and roller derby.

In August 2013 I was raped by a roller derby referee.  It took me two years to "come out" about it.  The responses since that time have been mixed.  Many people offered words and gestures of support.  Other folks spread rumors about me, saying that I was lying about being raped.  I heard the following sentiments in the days, months, and years after I started speaking up about being raped:

• "But he never acted that way around me."
• "But he has a girlfriend!"
• "She flirted with him.  She was asking for it."
• "She had sex with him after the night she said he raped her.  So it couldn't have been rape."
• "She's a jealous and vengeful ex-girlfriend."
• "It didn't happen.  She's not attractive enough."

Recently, a local men's league, Mass Maelstrom, escorted a skater from the premises of a tournament after he was heard saying, upon accidentally touching butts with a female skater, "There will be time for that later" and then "I feel bad hitting a girl."  

A controversy ensued.  The skater in question defended himself by stating he hadn't made the comments--someone else had.  Other people maintained that while his words were sexist, they did not rise to the level of sexual harassment.  A lot of people said some very nasty things.  A lot of people said some very supportive things.  And for the first time in a long time, the issue of sexual misconduct in roller derby arose.

I have named my rapist on social media several times.  I have offered to provide details to anyone willing to ask.  No one asked.  I write this post so that all of you interested are aware of what happened, when, and which organizations were involved.  I write this post so that if you are a survivor of sexual assault or harassment in our community, you know you are not alone.  I write this post so that if you need to, you can reach out to me.  I will listen.  I will believe you. 

August 2013.

I was raped. After some flirty texts and several shots of tequila, I willingly accompanied my rapist to his car in the parking lot, where we proceeded to make out.  What started as sex turned into the rape the moment I said, "No, stop," and he did not.  In fact, his exact words were: "I am going to make this work!"

During the rape, the condom broke.  He later insinuated it was my fault because I had been the one to provide the condom.  Because heaven forbid a man take responsibility for providing contraception.  

Over the Next Year.

I don't remember the exact time frame I did it, but I wrote to WFTDA's Ref Cert to express my concerns about my rapist, who I shall hereafter refer to as "SNB."  He is currently a referee with Bay State Roller Derby, located in Massachusetts. [Ed Note, I've learned that SNB is no longer affiliated with BSB, as of a week or two ago.]  An individual from the certification panel responded and kindly suggested I file a grievance against my rapist with WFTDA.  It's important to note that at his point, I had not disclosed the rape.  Instead, I had disclosed a pattern of sexual harassment by SNB against several people, myself included.  

I researched how to file a grievance and was chagrined to discovered I was unable to avail myself of this option.  Indeed, I was an unaffiliated referee at the time who had no ties to WFTDA (I was not certified then, nor am I now).  His league was not a member league.  I had no "official" recourse available.

I stayed away from SNB, but kept my ears open regarding his behavior.  

I decided to do things the "right" way and through the  "proper" channels.  The first thing I did was write a letter to SNB to express my dissatisfaction with his overtly sexual and demeaning comments, and also to express my discomfort working with him.  His response, verbatim: "I say crude things.  That's just who I am."  And to think a simple acknowledgement of his behavior could have prevented what was to come.

I wrote to his league's liaison.  (At the time he was affiliated with Mass Attack Roller Derby.  I have not had contact with that league in more than three years and have no idea what their current policies are.)  To say that the situation was mishandled is a gross understatement.  I was peppered with questions that didn't seem to relate to anything.  I was told the league would "take action," but the people I spoke to refused to tell me what "action" was being taken or what was done to prevent sexual harassment in the future.

SNB wrote me an e-mail accusing me of being vengeful and accusing me of being "a boatload of no fun with a blood clam."  Apparently, taking issue with his behavior and language was a result of being on my period.  Who knew?!

July 2014.

While hanging out with some roller derby friends, SNB contacted me via Facebook message.  He said he was sorry and asked me to confirm receipt of his message.  When I confirmed receipt, he accused me of spreading rumors about his sex life.  He told me he wanted to speak to me about it "face to face."  When I declined, he told me he would come to the tournament I was working the next weekend and force me to speak with him.  He threatened to file a grievance against me with the WFTDA if I refused an in-person discussion with him.

I immediately sent the conversation to the THR of the tournament, who swiftly had SNB banned from the tournament. (The amount of criticism she received for doing this was endless, she told me.)  He was sent an e-mail explaining the situation; his photo was passed around to the security staff at the tournament, who were directed to escort him from the venue should he appear.

That same weekend, SNB's league became a member league.  I provided documentation from several sources that outlined the following behaviors:

• After serving as Head Referee on a crew with six other women, SNB posted on Facebook that he had "achievement unlocked"by heading up a crew of six women "like a pimp."  I was one of those women.
• During a doubleheader for which he was the Head Referee for both games, he approached a group of visiting skaters, stretching.  He told that if he "hadn't been to the strip club the night before [he'd] have dollar bills to stick in [their] shorts."
• During an all-night derby event, he had lifted a female skater off her feet, slung her over his shoulder, and slapped her bottom with an open hand.
• While purportedly trying to "see her tattoo" better, he slid his hand up a skater's shorts onto her upper thigh.
• During gear checks (remember those?) when a female skater told him he had nice calves, he told her that she had a "nice ass."
• After I contacted his league, he asked no less than three other female officials whether they had "told on" him to his league.

Bear in mind that WFTDA had asked to to find people to make statements and to come forward.  Rather than investigating my accusations, the onus was put upon me to beg people to submit statements about being harassed.  Not. A. Single. Skater. came forward.  They were too afraid of retribution due to the perceived power differential between skaters and referees.  The only reason documentation was available was because SNB had been foolish enough to do or say these things in front of other officials or via e-mail or Facebook.

September 2014.

A dozen officials signed onto a letter that was circulated to leagues in the region stating that we would not work with SNB.  It said, in pertinent part: "We hope that by standing up for our own safety and making it clear that we prioritize safety within the community, we can make others understand the importance of this issue for us and others.  We hope that you will respect this decision and, if you are a part of a league who has already made a decision not to staff this individual, we are grateful."

We asked certified officials to sign onto this letter, thinking it would have more teeth if they did.  Not a single one chose to do so.  (We only asked those we had relatively close personal relationships with.)

Later that month, SNB was sanctioned by WFTDA in the following ways:

• He was required to take an online quiz regarding sexual harassment and give a "presentation" to his league regarding why his statements on social media were "inappropriate."
• He was banned from participating in WFTDA events at which I was present; it was not stated who bore the burden of determining who would attend which event.
• He was directed to write me an apology letter.
• He was put on probation for 1 year.
• He was barred from applying for certification for 2 years.

November 2014.  

As folks became aware of the WFTDA sanctions, were were asked whether we had changed our opinions.  After all, WFTDA had meted out punishment, and that was enough, right?  So we wrote a second letter:

"You may have heard that the WFTDA Compliance Panel has made a decision on the grievance filed against SNB.  You may also have heard that we are cautiously optimistic about WFtDA's stance on sexual harassment and the decision they have made.  Several individuals who signed the previous letter have been asked whether they will now rescind their refusal to work with SNB.  This letter is to inform you that our position remains the same."

Several referees from the league I would later join suggested that I was a vengeful ex-girlfriend who could not be believed.

May 2015.

I finally "came out" via blog post that I had been raped.  

Thereafter, one referee began began posting articles regarding false rape accusations on Facebook, lamenting that those who stood in solidarity with accused rapists were condemned for their association--it was so unfair!  Another continued to tell people I was lying.  They are both women.  They both continue to referee in roller derby in New England.  So does SNB.

September 2015 (ish).

A few leagues chose not to staff SNB, Boston Roller Derby (then Boston Derby Dames) among them.  However, around the time SNB's WFTDA probation ended, TesteRon Jeremy and Boston's crew had a meeting during which SNB was discussed.  Since his probation was complete, it was time to staff him again!  When a woman I did not know (but who is now a dear friend) protested, she was told that I was his ex (which is both untrue and irrelevant) and that "he's always been nice to me."  Whether other crews had similar discussions, I will never know.

I do know that Mass Maelstrom decided to "reinstate" him once more after his probation ended.  When I voiced concern over this new development--and about the fact that I was not told of this development--I was summarily ignored.  When I contacted the league after not having gotten a reply for two months, I was told by the then-Vice President (No Big Deal) that if I continued to contact anyone with Maelstrom about my concerns, he would file a grievance against me with WFTDA, as "only malice" could be assumed from any continuing communication.  Because the threat was the same as the one SNB had made, a panic attack was triggered.  Since then, no one from Maelstrom has contacted me.  The league only recently barred him from their events.

January 2016.

Because TJ had left BRD and because there were a slew of new "woke" officials, I decided to affiliate with Boston.  I had moved there, hadn't I?  (I'm back in central CT now.)  But two referees who supported SNB were still with the league.  I made sure to only go to scrimmage on days I knew they would not be there.  I became paranoid that skaters knew who I was and talked about me behind my back.  Because some of the crew stridently supported SNB, I was afraid the skaters did, too.

June 2016.

After trying to stick it out, I retired.  I realized I'd only been staying in roller derby out of spite.  I didn't want to let "them" win.  I didn't want to show that they had beaten me down.  But they had.  Despite amazing support from several leagues and a bunch of fantastic people, I was tired.  I was tired of having to vigilantly avoid SNB and those who worked with him.  I was tired of always being on edge, fearing I would have to defend myself at every roller derby event I attended.  I was paranoid that people who didn't even know me would meet me and think to themselves, "Oh, THAT's the referee who was raped," or, worse yet, "Oh, THAT's the referee who made up those horrific accusations."  I was tired of listing the people I refused to work with on staffing polls, fearful that I would been seen as a "troublemaker" who simply could not be staffed.  I felt like TesteRon Jeremy's 2016 NEDC seminar entitled "Who are you and why should I like you?" was not-so-subtly throwing shade in my direction.  

I was heartbroken regarding my decision to retire.  What had I done to deserve this?  How come SNB got to stay while I was all but forced out?  How could people continue to allow him in the community?  If I hadn't said anything about the rape, no one would know, and I would have been able to continue.  I was heartbroken and angry and sad and felt very, very lonely.

March 2017.

I learned that woman who didn't know me called the police when SNB showed up at an event in NY state.  Suddenly, I realized, maybe my speaking up had made a difference.  Maybe a little bit.  Just a tiny bit.

April 2017.

I evaluated my options and chose to un-retire.  Sadly, I had to choose a league an hour from me.  The league closest to me (Hartford) has members of their crew who still work with my rapist and they allow him in their venue.  The next closest league (Connecticut) refuses SNB entrance to their events,  and while their officials are largely supportive (read: awesome), one  of their referees continues to work with SNB.  Thus neither of these leagues are options because they are not safe spaces for me.

May 2017.

I've officiated four games so far in my "new" career.  I won't work with those who support or work with SNB.  I won't work with leagues who claim to have zero-tolerance policies, but enforce them willy-nilly. (I'm looking at you, Maelstrom!)  I'm learning to say no when leagues are in desperate need of officials, because maintaining a good derby/life balance is as important as finding and staying in safe spaces.

* * *

I write this all so I don't have to go on repeating the details anymore.  I write this so others will feel empowered to come forward when someone in the community harasses them.

Find me as "Becca Butts" on Facebook.  I see you and I respect you.  I will listen to and believe you.  Others will, too.  Together, we can make our community safer.

Stay tuned for information regarding sharing information within the New England roller derby community.  The plans are in their infancy, but we are working to hammer out a system of info-sharing and other resources to help keep our community safe.  You don't have to suffer in silence.

* * *

The following leagues currently do NOT allow SNB at their events or in their venues:

• Boston Roller Derby
• Central Maine Roller Derby
• Central New York Roller Derby
• Connecticut Roller Derby
• Green Mountain Derby Dames
• Maine Roller Derby
• Pioneer Valley Roller Derby
• Seacoast Roller Derby (Dover, NH)

If you are a part of a league who maintains and enforces a zero-tolerance policy against sexual harassment and associated bullying, drop a comment and I'll add you to this list.  Or email me at closet.optimist97@gmail.com.