Cosmic explosion! (6 of 14)

Sadie is just about to tell Turd about the nugget of information she received from Henry the Historian when the unimaginable happens.

Cosmic explosion!

Aliens are on the scene.  Though Man is terrified and runs off, Sadie keeps her cool and begins to wash the alien vehicle closest to her.  Anything to support HERD.

Sadie gets a clue. (5 of 14)

While Liza is rinsing down Jordan, Amanda (derby name: A Man Duh) and Sadie (derby name: Sadie Stick) watch as Henry drives his old-timey-time car up to the car wash.  Henry is the sole employee of Heartland Estate's Historical Society and works part time as a real estate agent.  He's also a War of the Roses re-enactor and is on his way to battle on behalf of Lancaster.

Sadie listens as Henry blathers on about a wonderful Tudor that boasts an indoor red-and-white rose garden.  She's so bored by the description of the spacious eat-in-kitchen that she almost misses when Henry mentions that he had removed a bit of cloth from the privet surrounding the property: blue fabric with white stars.  Identical fabric to the shorts Slammer always wears to practice!

Success! (4 of 14)

The car wash is a success!  Well, at least as far as fundraising is concerned.  Women (young and old!) are over-sexualizing themselves by wearing short skirts and frolicking about slathered in soapy car wash water and self loathing.  The money is flowing in as fast as the water from the huge car wash hose.

Liza washes Jordan Shaw's back end.  Mr. Shaw is Heartland High's history teacher and Heartland's most eligible bachelor.  In terms of finesse, his tennis serve is second only to his sweet talking.  Sadly, Mr. Shaw has no information regarding the whereabouts of Slammer.

Car wash! (3 of 14)

Turd is a fast-moving, business-minded, no-nonsense go-getter.  She is able to organize the HERD Car Wash by the very next weekend.  She rises early on Saturday and drives herself to the site of the car wash: a dead-end strip of road that is owned by Heartland Church.  Turd brings a bucket, finds an outside water source, and dispenses water bottle washers to her league-mates.

Good clean fun. (2 of 14)

Turd is too stressed to get any work done.  She leaves her desk and grabs a cup of coffee in the break room.  Turd knows that there is no way the City Police are going to care or investigate the disappearance of a derby girl who lives on the wrong side of the border between City and Heartland Estates.  God, everyone knows how corrupt the City Police are.  And because Slammer doesn't live in Heartland Estates, the HEPD will not be of any help.

And then it dawns on Turd.  A car wash!  Not only are car washes great derby fundraisers, but they're also fantastic for recon missions.  The entire population of Heartland Estates will totally come to a car wash if they can gawk at scantily clad bad ass derby broads.  And where there is ogling, there's information to be gleaned!

Missing. (1 of 14)

By day, Jen works as a data analyst at City Life and Annuity.  By night (and weekends), she is the president of her local roller derby league (derby name: Go Turd), Heartlake Estates Roller Derby (HERD).  She feels strange. Something is nagging at her, but she can't quite place what it is.

Then she remembers.  She hasn't heard from her good friend Sylvie (derby name: Shebrew Slammer) in days.  She's used to chatting with Slammer online during particularly slow work days.  Where has she been?  It's just not like Slammer to miss practice for a week without saying anything.

Turd thinks back and tries to remember when last she saw Slammer.  She can't remember.  And she can't think of what to do.

The. End. (7 of 7)

Cole is really tired.  It's tough living life as singing telegram guy.  Worse than that, he can't even afford a car so he's gotta roller skate home at some absurd hour every bloody night.  Grrrr, he thinks to himself.  The next time I have to don a damned bunny head and sing lyrics as awful as "my bunny bunny wuv was sent from up above," I'm seriously going to punch my boss in the--!

A motorcycle roars by.  Some dude with a satchel of cash.  Ugh.  Some guys have all the luck!

Screeeeeeeeech!

Another one nearly runs him over.

Fuck my life, Cole thinks.  Just... Fuck it.